3 Tips That Actually Work!!!

How to Overcome Heartbreak: 3 Tips That Actually Work!!!

I just started out in my life coaching business and I’ve been receiving many messages from people who are dealing with heartbreak. Men and women alike are messaging me in agonizing pain over the loss of a partner, spouse, or love interest. I could go on and on about potential ways to ease this suffering, but I think it would be a much better solution to talk about WHY it hurts so much. My favorite quote, which if you follow my blog you will see me use a lot is, “Putting band-aids on bullet wounds”. I use this quote so much because it is what we do when we are in emotional pain majority of the time. WE All SELF-MEDICATE, which is why the world is in the state that it is in. We cover our pain with food, alcohol, internet, TV, sex, and illegal drugs. If people would stop running from their emotional pain, and begin to heal their pain from the inside, the world would be a much happier place.

If people could become conscious enough to understand the real sources of emotional pain, then they will be able to eliminate ALL pain from their lives.  A life without emotional pain is sooooo worth the fight for it. I still have my moments; However, my intention has been set to deal with issues at the foundational level. At this point in my life I rarely deal with the same problem twice because of it! So here are my tips to dealing with the emotional pain of breakups. I hope that this can help anyone ease any pain they may be experiencing in their personal lives.

Tip 1: The Pain Was Already There.

This will probably be a difficult pill for some to swallow, however it must be said. Our human pain comes from within. No one can inflict emotional pain on us. However, another person can activate the pain source within you…. Deep huh? Let me give you an example. I counseled a man going through a divorce. He was suicidal and in agony over possibly losing his kids. I counseled this man for weeks already knowing the answer to the question I was about to ask. I asked him how long he had been feeling down inside of the marriage before his wife announced her departure from the relationship. He admitted to being depressed for years while married. His wife was leaving because she could no longer stand to be around the sadness. She had done all she could to help him heal and nothing had worked. So, she decided to save herself and the children from his misery. Sounds harsh but it’s the truth. He had already been depressed and so his wife leaving just activated the outer responses of wanting to commit suicide etc. He had actually created that circumstance. You can only experience what you create, be it good or bad. If we are in pain, we create more painful circumstances in our lives. If we are happy and grateful we create more of the same. If you are a happy person, your happiness cannot be taken from you by anyone. PERIOD.

Tip 2: Take a Self-Strength Inventory

When we are experiencing heartbreak and make the decision that we are going to heal the emotional pain and not avoid it, the first thing we should examine is our thoughts about what we are experiencing and our feelings about ourselves. What do you believe about the break-up? Do you blame yourself? The majority of the time when something does not work out, that means it was never meant to be. When in emotional pain, we tend to blame ourselves and worse have thoughts that we were not good enough in some way.

The best thing to do after a breakup is to take a self-inventory of your strengths. Your ego is bruised and going to tell you all the weaknesses and flaws you possess, so you must be ready to fight back with your list of what you know to be true and great about you. Make your list honest, full of achievements, and reminders of your worth. I put everything I can think of on my list, from my education, to the guy who smiled at me at the grocery store. (Because he thought I was cute obviously). It’s about self-validation. Break-ups hurt because we are no longer being validated by another person. When it’s over or someone leaves us, the false beliefs begin to creep back in of everything we believed to be wrong with us but did not focus on while we felt loved. Relationships allow us to focus on loving the other person, which in turn validates us into believing we are worthy of love. When it’s over we go back to thinking that we are unworthy. We need to remind ourselves that we are worthy with the use of concrete evidence. (Our list)

Emotional pain makes us slip into unconscious states of being in order to cope with the pain. The pain that we are feeling is the result of self- doubt and hate. Once you know the problem, then you can use the proper solution. Your list will make you feel more confident, worthy, and bring you back to consciousness. This list will also help you to be more optimistic about your current situation. Focus on your strengths and never your flaws. We are all worthy of love.

Tip 3: Rewrite Your Future

 Many times, when we mourn relationships we are really morning how we saw our future. We mourn all the plans we made with that other person. We morn the feeling of happiness associated with that future. Well when I’m going through a break up. I immediately think about all the things I will no longer have to put up with. Let’s face it, no one is perfect. If you think that your ex was perfect, then you have much bigger fish to fry than losing a relationship.

For example, when I broke up with a really hot ex- boyfriend. I was going to miss his cute face, dark skin, height, muscles, and tattoos. I was not going to miss his inconsistency, his lack of patience, or manipulative behaviors. I think about the flaws I secretly hoped he would work on so that I could have the perfect relationship. Now it doesn’t matter anymore whether or not he fixes himself. It’s not my problem. This perspective can actually lead you to feeling grateful for the ending of a relationship, because the traits the other person had that could have been potentially caused you stress in the future, you no longer have to worry about. Now you can move on and find someone who is actually more perfect for you.

Another strategy  to use is to see yourself at the end of your goals and successful. I love to think about how sorry anyone who passed over me is going to be when they see me winning in the future. Success is the best revenge!!!!  But revenge is bad so don’t seek to get even…lol. Just start thinking about how great your life is and becoming. Plan a trip and then look forward to that. Always give yourself something to look forward to. It’s difficult to remain sad when you know your future is bright.

It’s Recap Time!

 Are you currently going through a breakup or someone you love doesn’t love you back? Ask yourself this? Can I still feel good and worthy without the love or validation from this other person? Can I be happy without them? Do I feel worthy of love? If you answered “No” to any of these questions, then you are not ready for a relationship. Self- worthiness needs to be believed in and felt before any relationship is entered into. When we don’t feel worthy, we allow ourselves to be mistreated and under-valued. When you believe in and know your worth then the universe begins to yield at your feet. You will have so many potential love interests that you will have to create an application waiting list. LOL (I’ve been there).

Let worthiness be your primary focus. Follow everyone online who teaches about worthiness. Read every book about worthiness that you can get your hands on. You must believe that you are worthy so make sure that you are also putting your worthiness into practice. (Take care of your mind, body, and spirit). You will begin to see a change in not only how you pick your partners but also how you begin to see every relationship that you already have. You will demand more from others and become filled with joy and love for yourself and everyone around you.